The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle - A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of. Read "The Surrendered Wife A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man" by Laura Doyle available from Rakuten Kobo. Sign up. Editorial Reviews. tvnovellas.info Review. Self-proclaimed "feminist and former shrew" Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound.
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Doyle, Laura. The surrendered wife: a practical guide for finding intimacy, passion, and peace with a man I Laura Doyle. p. cm. "A Fireside book." 1. Marriage. 2. [PDF] DOWNLOAD READ The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man PDF EPUB For. The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man. A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.
Philosophy[ edit ] The author of the core book of this movement maintains that she does not advocate submissiveness or the surrendering of one's self see contradictions of this claim below ; she proposes the surrendering of control over others. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew— and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.
It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings.
Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results - peace, joy, and feeling good about yourself and your marriage - are proven. A surrendered wife is abundant where she used to feel impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered.
My sister, Hannah Childs, related the philosophy of the surrendered wife to her experience as a ballroom dance teacher. This is not to say that both roles are not equally important. It is rare that I find a woman who can resist 'backleading.
Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart. Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm. Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil - the partner - for her talent. Similarly, I want my husband to bring out my very best.
At a young age, some of our most basic needs went unmet. This could be the result of any number of things: the untimely death of a parent or the frustrations of a family member's addiction. It could have been the consequence of relatively small things, like not getting the tennis shoes we desperately needed to fit in at school, or having to adjust to less attention because of the arrival of another sibling.
Whatever the cause, we then made an erroneous conclusion that no one would ever take care of us the way we wanted. We embraced a childish belief that if we were always in charge, things were more likely to go our way.
Some of us were so used to living in fear about not getting what we needed that we never even noticed our quickened pulse and shallow breathing.
We normalized this level of terror and our accompanying auto-response: Taking control. Just as fish are always the last to discover they are in the ocean, those of us who survive by trying to control things around us are often the last to recognize our behavior. We tell ourselves that we are trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently - never that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to insure a certain outcome. For instance, I thought I was merely making helpful suggestions when I told my husband that he should ask for a raise.
When I urgently exclaimed that we should have turned right instead of left while riding in a friend's car who knew perfectly well how to get to our destination, I reasoned that I was trying to save time and avoid traffic.
When I tried to convince my brother that he really should get some therapy, I justified butting into his life as wanting "to be there for him. If I had trusted that my husband was earning as much money as he could, I wouldn't have emasculated him by implying that I found him lacking ambition. If I had trusted my friend to get us to our destination in a reasonable time, I wouldn't have barked out orders about where to turn, leaving a cold frost on the inside of the car.
If I had trusted my brother to make his own way in the world, he would've felt more inclined to continue to share the emotional milestones of his life with me. Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations. If you make it clear to your husband that you expect him to screw up at work, wreck the car, or neglect his health, you are setting a negative expectation. If on the other hand, you expect him to succeed, he is much more likely to do just that.
When you trust, you don't need to double-check, make back-up plans or be vigilant because you're not expecting any danger. You can sleep with both eyes shut, knowing that everything's going to be fine. It bears repeating: When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome.
Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late. It could be fear that we'll spend too much money, or have to do extra work. It could also be, and often is, fear of loneliness, boredom or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears.
Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate or control it. I hid my softness as much as I could because I believed it was unattractive. Ironically, the people I found most endearing and easiest to connect with had the ability to expose their real fears, joys, guilt, needs and sadness.
I was drawn to their openness and warmth. I found them engaging. When I was choosing control over vulnerability, I was doing so at the expense of intimacy. What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites.
If I want one, I can't have the other. Without being vulnerable, I can't have intimacy.
Without intimacy, there can be no romance or emotional connection. When I am vulnerable with my husband, the intimacy, passion and devotion seem to flow naturally. Today I try to relinquish control as much as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable.
Unfortunately, I still don't do this perfectly, but it doesn't seem to matter. She was always ready to pursue a life in which she could provide everything that she needed for herself without his help. My therapist reminded me that when I first started coming to see her, I was the same way. I often felt I would be better off divorced or with another man who was more fastidious or considerate.
With the husband of my imagination, I wouldn't have to clean up after him, plan, arrange, organize and check up on everything. My rotten attitude cast gloom over the relationship. I was always on edge, so that the slightest problem seemed like reason enough to end this marriage and hope for a better one next time.
At the time, I felt so pained and self-righteous that honoring my wedding vows seemed unimportant. Today my friends laugh at me when I tell them this because it seems so ridiculous that I was ready to toss out my perfectly wonderful husband.
If you can admit that you frequently or sometimes control, nag, or criticize your husband, then it is up to you and you alone to take the actions described here to restore intimacy to your marriage and dignity and peace to yourself.
I am not saying that you are responsible for every problem in your marriage. You are not. Your husband has plenty of areas he could improve too, but that's nothing you can control.
The good news is that since you've identified the behaviors that contribute to your problems, you can begin to solve them. Rather than wasting time thinking about what my husband should do, I prefer to keep all my energy for improving my happiness. The point of my journey was to give up controlling behavior, and to look inward instead of outward.
I encourage you to do the same. You won't have to look far for someone to tell you that surrendering is crazy, but it isn't. It's not crazy to want romance and passion in your marriage.
It's not crazy to want to feel respect for your life partner. It's not crazy to give up doing things that deplete your spirit and ask for help. It's not crazy to stop trying to control things you have no control over. It is scary, but it's not crazy. Don't let people who lack your courage tell you otherwise. How it Grew Shortly after I started practicing the steps of The Surrendered Wife, I had the opportunity to share this philosophy with some friends who brought the principles to their marriages.
Not only did they validate the process, they added further wonder to it. They, too, experienced inspiring transformations. The circle grew quickly as women I had never met began calling me to learn more about how they could revitalize their marriages. When our size threatened to exceed the capacity of my living room, I closed the meetings to newcomers and started Surrendered Wife seminars, which teach women the skills and help them form the habits they need to surrender successfully.
You can learn more about seminars in your area by calling or visiting www. Still more women came forward wanting to know how to surrender to their husbands. Now Surrendered Circles, which offer free support, meet in local communities and on the Internet. Today there are thousands of women practicing the principles of The Surrendered Wife.
They, too, have rekindled the love and closeness that had been dormant for years in their marriages, and gotten a break from feeling responsible for everything. In the pages of this book, you will see glimpses of stories from the women I've met through the circle, my seminars and the surrendered wife website. All the anecdotes are true, although the names and some other details have been changed to protect their privacy.
I know this because I have a husband myself, and, like yours, he is a mere mortal with numerous imperfections. At times I found his shortcomings so big that I thought I couldn't live with him for another day.
As it turns out, my husband is one of the good guys. But how do you know if your husband is a good guy? When should you get out? There are some situations in which a wife should not trust her husband. Under these particular circumstances, I suggest separation or divorce - not surrender. Are you in one of these circumstances? Only you can judge. Before you surrender check to see if any of the following apply to your situation: 1.
Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to you. When your safety is threatened, there can be no intimacy. Start making plans and taking action today. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to your children.
If your husband is inappropriately violent or sexual with your kids, you must protect them immediately. The sooner you leave this relationship, the better your chances of getting into a relationship with a healthy, loving man who will protect, rather than harm, you and your children.
Spanking a child as discipline, however controversial or unacceptable to you, does not qualify as physical abuse. Just because the two of you disagree about corporal punishment does not give you justification to leave the relationship. Do not surrender to a man who has an active addiction.
A man with an addiction to a substance such as alcohol or drugs, or to an activity such as gambling cannot be trusted. I can offer little hope of intimacy in this situation, as he will always serve his addiction ahead of your safety and happiness. Of course, it's not always easy to identify an addiction. If you are uncertain, but suspect that he has an active addiction, find some quiet time and space to contemplate this question. Has his substance abuse or gambling ever interfered with your relationship?
Would he keep drinking, using, or betting even if he knew it was making you uncomfortable and lonely? He snapped at her when she commented about retirement. Later, he admitted that he snapped because he was feeling guilty that he hadn't contributed anything to their retirement account "in a long time.
He opened up to her and shared his vulnerability! Surely that's worth more than, say, a plan for financial security. I was never able to determine why she was certain that a couple can't have both, just because it didn't work for her.
Back to the benefits of surrendering financially. One is perpetual dating. A wife expresses her "wants" and allows her husband to please her by addressing her desires as he sees fit. This allows for them to go out for dinner or take vacations without her worrying about whether or not they can afford it. It also allows her to be pampered and taken care of. There's a lot about that in the book, all the gracious receiving of sweet, beautiful, luxurious things.
A wife NEVER offers advice or her own opinion about anything to do with him, his job, his decision to move the family, his downloading a new car, etc. She never asks how her husband is feeling. She is given an allowance. She is taken care of and given gifts.
She focuses on her own needs and fullfillment. Any problem or issue she doesn't want to deal with herself she turns over to him. In many but not all ways she sounds like. This impression was driven home for me in one of the sample exercises at the end of the book. The wife should write a list of things she is grateful for about her husband and give it to him as a gift great idea! She should write one item from her list on each page of a small notebook and then decorate the pages with crayons.
I'm sure Daddy will appreciate that thoughtful touch! For a more adult version, I've hidden notes with things I appreciate about my husband in his computer bag or suitcase. He appreciates and enjoys this, especially when I include chocolate. This review is already too long and still barely scratches the surface. For example, Doyle acknowledges that husbands frequently will not be excited by taking over all these responsibilities, and she offers strategies to ignore his objections.
I will say that I've gotten a lot out of the book and am using some of what I've learned, to good effect. But not all of it. Yes, it's important to relax in the car and stop gasping, suggesting alternate routes, and slamming your foot down on the imaginary right-side brake all the time. But not mentioning it when you know your husband has gotten on the interstate headed the wrong direction even if he doesn't notice his mistake until you've gone a hundred miles out of your way?
That's not just crazy, it's disrespectful, like NOT pointing out the spinach in a good friend's teeth and letting her walk around like that all night. In addition to an incredible amount of repitition and some seriously wacky advice, Doyle also does a ton of generalization.
This type of lazy pseudo-psychology drives me batty, but apparently it sells books. It also makes people who don't fit these so-called norms feel like something's wrong with them. Doyle's husband apparently hates to talk about his feelings.
So, according to her, ALL men hate to talk about how they're feeling and we should never ask how they're feeling since we're not their mothers or their therapists. Of course some men don't like to talk about their feelings. Some women don't either. And probably most people dislike being grilled and interrogated the way she reports talking to her husband before "surrendering" to him. And of course it is possible to ask someone how they're feeling in a caring and nonjudgmental way that doesn't make you seem like their mother or their therapist.
The problem isn't with the topic, it's with the approach and underlying intent. In conclusion finally! I found this book a good read. I'm glad I read it.