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INTIMATE COMMUNION DAVID DEIDA PDF DOWNLOAD

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Intimate communion. by: David Deida External-identifier: urn:acs6: intimatecommunio00deid:pdfa65bf9fde17bd. Pages·· MB·9, Downloads. Desire DAVID "David Deida explains the heart and soul of a woman to men. As a woman Intimate Communion. Download>> Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence TXT,PDF ,EPUB; 2. Book details Author: David Deida Pages:

Click Download or Read Online button to get intimate communion book now. This site is like a library, Use search box in the widget to get ebook that you want. David Deida, internationally known for his work in personal growth and intimate relationships, shares the deep understandings and effective techniques that he has refined through his 20 years of consultation, research and spiritual practice. David Deidas first book lays the foundation for his teaching on the integration of intimacy and authentic spiritual practice. David Deida Intimate Communion excerpts Reuniting Intimate Communion is an old book, first published in , which, despite the vintage feel of the cover, still intimate communion david deida pdf download intimate communion david deida Wed, 29 Aug 00 GMT intimate communion david deida pdf Intimate Communion Awakening Your Sexual Essence.

We face the fact that for most of us, the force of polarity is at the core of our sexual attraction in intimacy. This mysterious force affects all our lives, yet remains mostly at an unconscious level. We begin to master sexual polarity by becoming sensitive to its flow in everyday life.

Imagine you are in a room talking with your good friends who are the same sex as you. The conversation is flowing effortlessly. You are laughing together and listening together.

The mood is free and easy. Suddenly, an extremely attractive person of the opposite sex walks into the room. The energy shifts. The conversation halts for a moment and then begins again, a bit more choppy, a bit contrived. And you are aware of him or her, the attractive one whose mere presence in the room has shifted the energy. This is the force of sexual polarity.

We are affected by sexual polarity from head to toe. Our minds become simple in the midst of a loving embrace and our thoughts are triggered to race by the inviting eyes of a stranger.

Our heartbeat, skin temperature and posture are also affected by sexual polarity. Notice the shifts in your body the next time you are standing face to face with a highly interesting other.

Merely imagining his or her eyes lingering on your body causes a shift in blood flow, breathing and muscle tone. Intimate Communion Is Not About Romance To prepare for the practice of Intimate Communion, we must understand that love, romance and sexual polarity are not the same.

You can love anyone. You can love everyone. You can love a mountain or a flower, a painting or a stuffed animal.

Love is simply when you open your heart. In love, you allow yourself to relax your sense of separation, so that you become one with whomever or whatever you are contemplating, whether a child, a lover or the Grand Canyon.

Love is unity, openness to the point of oneness, ultimately. And there is no limit to the number of people, things or places you can love. Romance is an exclusive feeling. The main feeling in romantic infatuation is, "Finally, here is the person I have been waiting for all my life. Most people only feel this way with one person, or maybe several people throughout their lives.

Whereas love is the action of opening your heart, romance is the less-common feeling of familiarity and "athomeness" you feel with the special person in your life.

Sexual polarity is an arc of energy that flows between two people. It could happen in the grocery store with a person you don't even know, let alone love. It is a flow of energy that runs through your body, mind and emotions, and you might experience it many times a dayat work, on the street or at home. There are two main threads to the practice of Intimate Communion. The most important one is the practice of love itself: the conscious practice of opening our hearts and feeling through our obstructions to loving in every moment.

The secondary practice is the conscious and artful use of the force of sexual polarity in the transmission of love. In the practice of Intimate Communion, the sex act itself can become a spiritual union, a communication of the force of life and love, a passionate transmission of openness and ecstasy.

Whether sexual polarity is practiced or not, Intimate Communion is about relaxing more and more into perfect coincidence with love, surrendering our fears and resistances. To be freely open even in the midst of fear involves a moment-to-moment discipline of loving. To be free and loving is the ultimate disciplineand this is the practice of Intimate Communion.

You must learn to feel the very moment when polarity diminishes or increases. For instance, your partner barks something mean at you and your body shuts down, becoming numb and weak. You may even become disgusted. On the other hand, there are times when your partner's beauty and presence awe your heart and love magnifies to the point of bliss. We do not have to remain slaves to sexual polarity, obeying its unreasonable desires and despairing over its inevitable departure.

With practice, sexuality can become an exploration of unseen healing energies as well as a way of contacting and expressing our deepest love. Eventually, by surrendering to the wisdom inherent in sexual polarity, lovemaking becomes an exquisite, whole-body prayer, or contemplation of the eternal mystery of man and woman.

Like electricity and magnetism, sexual polarity is a natural energy that requires two poles. For electrical energy to flow, you need a positive pole and a negative pole. For magnetic energy to flow, you need a north pole and a south pole. For sexual energy to flow, you need two poles, too. These two poles are not called positive and negative, or north and south.

Rather, based on our intuitive sense of what we find sexually attractive, we can call these two poles ''Masculine'' and "Feminine. When two magnets are oriented so that their opposite north and south poles come close together, then these poles are attracted to each other. But when two magnets are oriented so that their like poles come togetherfor instance, two north poles touchingthen the magnets repel each other. Magnetic energy can either be attractive or repulsive, depending on which poles are brought together.

Just so with sexual polarity. In intimacy, when one partner's Masculine energy is brought near the other partner's Feminine energy, an attractive force of sexual polarity pulls them together. But when both of their Masculine energies are brought together, for instance, their attractive passion is neutralized or they may even feel repelled by an unseen force, pushed away like two north poles of a magnet. For instance, Hawaii is an extremely feminine place. When you walk outside in Hawaii you see double rainbows and colorful birds overhead.

You are surrounded by lush tropical foliage and the smell of ripe papayas and guavas.

You feel as though you've just walked into a huge woman. Your whole body may experience a deeply enjoyable flow of sexual polarity with the island itself, which is very enlivening. When people go to Hawaii, they usually go to be enlivened, to be filled with energy, to let go of their mental concerns and tension, and to relax. The island is so Feminineyou feel so open and stress-freethat a vacation there is similar to having great sex for two weeks.

You feel so opened and relaxed. Most people who go to Hawaii for a vacation spend their usual working day in the Masculine mode which is the exact opposite of the life force of Hawaii. New York, for instance, is a city that is very Masculine compared with Hawaii. The feeling of New York is very vertical, very one-pointed, very focused. When you're in New York, you're often in your "do-mode" and you're just doing one thing after another, step by step, trying to achieve some goal.

That driven, goal-oriented, focused energy is Masculine energy, whether it's emanating from a man or a woman. Your own Masculine energy, as well as the Masculine energy of a place like New York, is goal-oriented, scheduled, directed, focused, self-disciplined energy.

Your Feminine energy, as well as the Feminine energy of a place like Hawaii, is flowing, open, wild, radiant, life forceit's the energy of nature. If you want more Feminine energy in your life, then you go to a Place like Hawaii.

Your body relaxes, you feel a flow of energy and you're healed by it. If you want to get a lot done, you might not want to go to Hawaii.

It's very difficult to be disciplined and focused in Hawaii. But if you go to New York, you can't help but get a lot done. Even if you just want to relax on the streets, the crowd pushes or carries you along. You're moved by the Masculine, this forward thrust of energy. These qualities also exist in people. Again, it's not a matter of man and woman; it's not gender-determined. Masculine energy and Feminine energy are universal forces.

As a person, man or woman, you have both Masculine and Feminine energy. When you finish with your Masculine workday of focus, focus, focus, then it's nice to go home and relax in your Feminine energy, the life flow in your body. It feels great to get a massage. It's wonderful to eat a delicious meal, enjoying the sensations of taste and smell. It's fantastic to take a walk in nature, with or without your lover.

In these kinds of moments, when you're connected to your senses, when you're in the flow of the natural elements, when you're really aware of your physical surroundings and your body is in rhythm with the unseen forces of nature, then you are in your Feminine energy.

On the other hand, on your way to a business meeting, you may be thinking, "Okay, where's my checklist? Do I have this? Did I remember that? What are the main points? Will I be successful? Okay, let's go. During this time, you are in your Masculine energy.

When you are directed and focused, if someone was to walk up to you and say, "Hi, let's chat," you might say, "Not nowcan't you see I'm busy? For instance, have you ever tried to interrupt a man while he was watching a football game? Waxing his car? Balancing the checkbook? Reading the newspaper? Anyone in his or her Masculine energy is very focused and doesn't like to be interrupted. For anyone who is in Feminine energy, however, interruption doesn't really exist.

Maybe the phone rings while you're working on a project and watching TV, so you answer it and talk until a friend comes to the door. Then you remember that you put something on the stove before the phone rang so you take care of that, talking to your friend the whole time, continuing to keep an eye on the TV.

When you are in your Feminine energy you can more easily flow from one thing to another. The Feminine is a genius at flow, whereas the Masculine is a genius at getting a single thing done. And they are both useful at different times. You probably know people, both men and women, who seem to have more Masculine energy than Feminine. They are more like New York than Hawaii, always working, always focused on a project, always following a list or a schedule. And other people are more like Hawaii than New York.

They animate more Feminine energy than Masculine. They are flowing, radiant people who often don't stay focused on long-term projects because of their quality of flowing from one thing to another, but they're happy. And then there are some other kinds of people who are in between the extreme of Masculine and Feminine, New York and Hawaii. These people are relatively more balanced or neutral in their energy. They don't have the emotional hurricanes of Hawaii, nor are they as lush and radiant.

They don't have the depersonalized drive of New York, nor are they as focused and organized. They have some of Hawaii and some of New York, but are not too extreme. Usually you can't see yourself all that clearly, so it's best to ask someone else who knows you, "Which kind am I? You're Hawaii! That's the feeling of sexual polarity. It happens when one person is in Masculine and another person is in Feminine.

It is very important to understand that the flow of sexual polarity does not imply either romantic attraction or love. Sexual polarity can happen in the absence of the sense of "this is the special person I've always been looking for," which signals romantic attraction.

And sexual polarity can flow between two people who don't even know each other and have never spoken a word to each other, much less love each other. It is a natural force that flows between any Masculine and Feminine pole. If a college professor is putting out strong Masculine energyconfidence, transcendental vision, guidancethen it is not unusual for his women students to develop a "crush" on him.

An arc of sexual polarity naturally occurs between them, as it also does between a therapist who offers steady guidance Masculine to a client who opens herself or himself to the therapist in trust Feminine. Sexual polarity is virtually inevitable in such a case, though it certainly need not be acted upon. Likewise, if a close woman friend offers a man her care and affectionor a businesswoman gives her male colleague her attentive supportthen it is not unusual for him to begin to desire her.

Again, sexual polarity naturally occurs whenever a strong Masculine pole comes close to a strong Feminine pole. Sexual polarity is a magnetic force, a natural force, not necessarily a sign of love. It is natural. It is not intentional.

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It is innocent. It is powerful. But it is not love. And it is not romantic attraction. Just because you feel a flow of sexual polarity with your boss does not mean you should get into a relationship with him or her.

It doesn't mean anythingother than the fact that you were full of Masculine or Feminine energy and your boss was full of the opposite.

Hence, you felt a flow of sexual polarity; so did your boss. Our culture has lost the wisdom of the laws of sexual polarity, and we tend not to be very conscious of the type of energyeither more Masculine or more Femininethat we are putting out in any given moment.

This lack of awareness frequently leads to conflicts with our intimate partners and misunderstandings with our friends and business associates.

To consciously work with the flow of sexual polarity in our intimacies and in the workplace, we must become sensitive to the type of energy that we are putting out: Masculine, Neutral or Feminine.

By cultivating this sensitivity we can choose to increase polarity, thereby magnifying passion and sexual attraction in our intimate relationships, or decrease sexual polarity, thereby minimizing the flow of sexual energies with our friends and co-workers. The choice of how to use the powerful force of sexual polarity is in our hands, once we understand the principles of its flow. We can love our children, our friends and our pets, but that doesn't mean we want to share sexual polarity with them.

Although a Masculine pole and a Feminine pole are necessary for full and passionate sexual polarity, such poles are not necessary for the flow of real love. Very frequently, in fact, long-term relationships lose their sexual polarity over time, yet the partners still love each other very much. Some of this decrease in sexual polarity is quite natural.

For many of us, especially as we grow older, sexual polarity becomes less and less important, although we still want love to flow in our relationship. However, some of us have experienced a less desirable situation. We may love our partner, though are no longer sexually attracted to him or her.

Yet, we still want passion and sexual polarity in our lives. There is no real conflict involved. It just feels like the sexual part of our relationship is "over. This does not mean that we should leave the relationship, but that we should learn what we are doing to cause this decrease in passion and how we can "re-polarize" our relationship. To practice Intimate Communion we must understand how we consciously or unconsciously magnify, neutralize or reverse the flow of sexual polarity with our partner.

Magnification Of Polarity Most often in our culture, the play of sexual polarity occurs between a man and a woman. It is also possible for a Feminine-pole man and a Masculine-pole woman to practice sexual polarity together in Intimate Communion. The most common situation, however, is when the woman is playing the Feminine pole and the man the Masculine pole.

As we shall see, if these poles are suddenly shifted or made ambiguous, then attraction between intimate partners decreases and conflict increases. But first, let's look at how polar attraction can be magnified.

Imagine you are a man sitting on the couch with your lover, watching TV. She gets up, fixes your favorite snack and brings it to you, sitting down close to you on the couch.

As she sits her skirt reveals the smooth flesh of her bare thighs. She feeds you from her own fingers, letting her hand trace a line from your lips down to your chest. You look into her eyes and she is completely open to you, loving you. You embrace her, feeling her body yield against you. She gives herself to you. You desire her in every way, with your whole body and heart. Such is the magnification of polarity. Although this scene may be familiar to many of us, what are the mechanics behind it?

Why is polarity magnified in this case?

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The woman is feeding the man with her personal energy. She is attracting him from the abstract glow of television to the living radiance of her flesh. She relaxes his head, energizes his body and awakens his heart, just like the tropical beaches of Hawaii. She is drawing him into herself, into the garden of life, by opening, attracting him in by love. She is radiating Feminine energy, and thus she is magnetizing his Masculine energy in the full arc of sexual polarity.

You have worked all day and you are tired. When you returned home from work, your lover kissed you on the cheek and went back to reading his book. While he continued reading, you made a quick dinner for yourself, showered and got into bed. Finally he finished reading and got into bed, setting his alarm clock and arranging his night stand as he does every night. You think he probably now wants sex with you.

You could have sex if he really wants to, but you aren't feeling too excited yourself. Such is the neutralization of polarity. Let's look closely at this case of neutralization. The woman comes home from work and gets a cursory kiss on the cheek. Where is the Masculine force? He is neither opening her with love nor penetrating her with desirehis Masculine presence is completely absent.

Or, rather, it is absent from playing in polarity with her and is instead absorbed in a book. She continues doing what she needs to do, making dinner for herself and then taking a shower. Because she is tired, she doesn't have the energy to rev up her own Feminine force. Neither of them is active as the Feminine or Masculine pole, and thus sexual polarity is neutralized. Reversal Of Polarity You are a man with an exciting plan about how to make money.

You are telling your wife about it and she interrupts you to tell you how silly you are. She gives you several reasons why she thinks your plan is foolish and won't work. Then, she continues to do her work around the house as she proceeds to tell you about her own strategy for making money.

She continues to busy herself around the house. Then she asks, "Have you made up your mind yet? We have to leave soon, you know.

Well, what are we going to do? You have no desire to do anything tonight, especially with your wife. She tells you her shoulders ache and she wants you to rub them. You don't even want to touch her. Such is the reversal of polarization. What is happening here? The man is telling his wife his idea for making money. He is trying to share his direction, guidance and transcendental vision, playing the Masculine pole of universal energy, like the energy of New York.

Suddenly, his wife interrupts him. She ceases being open to his vision, saying that he is wrong, his directionality is lousy and she could do it better. Perhaps this is true. But at the level of polar energy, this is equivalent to telling her husband that he's a lousy lover and that she would make a better man.

Polarity is immediately neutralized. But she doesn't stop there. She continues with her purposes around the house. She tells him her vision of how things should be done. That is, she animates the Masculine force of guidance, purpose and transcendental vision. She has reversed her polar energy from Feminine to Masculine.

This would be fine if her husband was in his more Feminine energy, open to receiving her advice. But he, too, is in the midst of a Masculine moment, in the midst of telling her about his great idea. Just like similar poles of two magnets repelling one another, her sudden reversal of sexual polarity causes a repulsion and distancing between her own Masculine energy and that of her man. For simplicity's sake, let's anthropomorphize these universal qualities and call the Masculine force in men and women ''He,'' and the Feminine force in men and women "She.

Also, He sees things from a transcendental position. That is, like a concrete skyscraper, He likes to stand above things, outside of His emotions: in thoughts, in knowledge or perhaps in so-called "mystical purity. For instance, an open-ended relationship is one thing, but marriage is quite another. For anyone with a lot of Masculine energy, marriage seems like a potential trap, a constraint, a loss of freedom.

A commitment to marriage is a decision to leave the transcendental realm of endless possibility and to enter the earthbound realm of endless responsibility. For the Feminine, marriage is not a constraint, but a liberation of loving. The Feminine force, in man or woman, is about opening to love and giving love.

The Feminine force is the goddess-force of energy that is sometimes wild and unpredictable and sometimes nurturing and life-giving, like Hawaii. Unlike the Masculine, the Feminine is at home in life, in sensuality, in the natural elements. Anyone with a lot of Feminine energy abhors a vacuum, filling empty shelves with seashells, flowers or other objects of beauty.

The Feminine is a radiant ocean of sudden storms and rejuvenative healing, a garden of bountiful love and wild energy. The Feminine's radiance and beauty attract the Masculine into the garden of life and Her heart tempers His relentless search.

The Feminine force embraces the Masculine's arid directionality and couples it with feeling, sensitivity and the inherent wisdom of the body. Without the Feminine force, the Masculine force is mere directionality, mere purpose, mere goal orientation without feeling. In the negative extreme it is exploitation for profit, rape and fascism. On the other hand, without the directionality of the Masculine force, the movement of the Feminine force alone is one of opening or closing.

For instance, consider a person with a lot of Feminine energy and very little Masculine energy. Eating chocolates, this person may feel either open and happy or closed and miserable about it, but often has difficulty choosing a different direction, like moving away from chocolate for good. More seriously, if the Feminine couples with an abusive partner, she often has difficulty directing Herself out and away, but instead opens and suffers, closes down and then opens again.

Without being balanced by the Masculine force of guidance and directionality, the extreme Feminine force cycles through good times and bad, hoping it will work out, alternately loving and suffering, being hurt and then giving it one more chance. Another way of looking at the Masculine and Feminine forces in men and women is to look at sexuality itself.

For a man, sexual union happens outside of his body, whereas for a woman, sexual union occurs inside of her. During sexual loving a man's sexual flesh becomes rigid, directed, pointed and seeks release.

The Masculine force is a directional force and it is one-pointed, as is a man's polarized sexual flesh. In a larger sense, it is the force of discipline one-pointedness and guidance directionality and tends to move in a transcendental upward direction.

Just as a man's sexual flesh reveals his one-pointed directionality and his up-up-andaway orientation, a woman's sexual flesh reveals her desire to draw a good man in, open herself in union with him and be filled with unending love. The Feminine opens in love and closes when hurt. The Masculine moves into relationship in love and pulls out of relationship when hurt. Both the Masculine and the Feminine forces exist to some extent in every man and woman, although some people animate more Masculine energy like New York, some animate more Feminine energy like Hawaii, and some are more Neutral or balanced in their expression.

As a general characterization, then, the Masculine pole in each of us points upward, away from the body and life. The Masculine force is a force of conscious directionality and intent, which sometimes gets stuck in the head. The Feminine pole in each of us is at home in the body and in life. The Feminine force is a force of radiance and opening, which sometimes gets stuck in the emotions. Masculine And Feminine Partners Balancing Each Other When a more Masculine person comes together in love with a more Feminine person, they can enjoy the enlivening force of passionate sexual polarity that naturally flows between them.

For those more sexually inclined, however, there is an option. In Intimate Communion, partners can serve to naturally balance and heal each other through the dynamic force of sexual polarity that flows between their native Masculine and Feminine poles. For instance, when a Masculine man is polarized by a Feminine woman, he is attracted out of his head, out of his fantasy realm of possibilities, and is moved to engage a living actuality: her. He begins to act from his feelings rather than live in his thoughts.

Love draws him into the body, his and hers. The Feminine force attracts the Masculine into the dance of life, of love, of intimate partnership. Therefore, if his woman becomes like New York, bossy or sharp, or withdraws her Feminine energy in any way, a man suddenly feels trappedhe has left his realm of possibility and has committed to an actual relationship, something that limits his possibilities.

If his partner's Feminine force of attraction becomes non-active, if he does not feel enlivened by her Hawaii-like energy, then he feels the relationship as a constraint. The relationship seems like a weight of obligations rather than a source of energy and delight. His Masculine force is no longer magnetically polarized by the Feminine force, and he naturally begins to move up, up and away, back into his tower of possibility, where he hopes to avoid unnecessary constraints and maybe eventually find another source of Feminine energy.

The essential form of the Masculine bad mood is feeling tired, burdened, constrained by obligations. For instance, no amount of talking with his woman will relieve a man of his sense of being duty-bound and trapped. She can enliven his burdened heart as only his cherished source of Feminine energy can do.

What happens to the Feminine partnera woman, for instancewhen her man loses his Masculine presence and becomes weak and ambiguous in his loving? She feels empty and she yearns to be filled.

Where she once felt the Masculine presence of love, she now feels a void. When a man or anyone in a Masculine moment is in a bad mood, he wants to understand why. He tries to figure it all out. So when his woman is in a bad mood, he tries to do for her what he tries to do for himselffigure it out. He tries to use his head to solve her emotional problems. However, a man's mental analysis is useless and frustrating to a woman or anyone in a Feminine moment who is in a bad mood.

The Feminine's bad mood is only Her desire for perfect lovewhy shouldn't the Masculine just give His love most directly? The Feminine receives love most directly in Her native language, which is not a language of analysis but of body and emotion. It is a language of touch, of presence, of feeling. A Feminine woman's mood is not subject to mental analysis, but she is opened into the present moment by a man's encompassing embrace, his caring humor and his strong, loving Masculine presence.

In the practice of Intimate Communion, we learn to transmit love through the force of sexual polarity. Are we more like New York or are we more like Hawaii?

Do we have a balance? Or, are we confused and divided inside? Unifying Internal Divisions If you are comfortable with your natural sexual energyMasculine, Feminine or Neutralthen the flush of sexual polarity is enlivening. If you are at home in your body and mind, as man or woman, then you are at ease with the feeling of sexual desire. Furthermore, your body is unified with your mind as one giftwith your heart at its centerand you know, spontaneously, how to love without hesitation. You are not internally divided or confused.

However, if you are internally divided, your body and mind are not one with your heart: You want to attract a mate, but you find it difficult to let down your guard. You want to relax during sex, but you feel so self-conscious.

Your husband tells you he loves you, but you just don't feel it. Your best friend's girlfriend is obviously taken, but she seems so available. Your heart is always ambiguous and divided. As a necessary preliminary to cultivating sexual polarity in Intimate Communion, we learn to allow ourselves to be whole and undivided.

With love, we embrace our darkest and lightest thoughts. With love, we embrace our most savage and holy desires. By healing our internal divisions and fully accepting ourselves as we are, we learn to accept and empower our sexual core, and we learn to honor our unique expression of Masculine and Feminine gifts. We fully incarnate in our bodies, at home and at ease in a man's body or a woman's body. And we learn to love with complete abandon, as free men and women, without rules or roles or guarded hearts.

We freely enchant one another, love one another, with no inhibitions. At other times our passion growls and claws like a wild tiger. There are long hours of silence together, simply touching, loving, breathing. There are sudden moments of inspired desire, in the kitchen, in the car, in the showerour juices flow, our hearts pound and we gasp with pleasure. There may be days, months or years of happy celibacy, since sexuality is only one form of human loving.

Fully incarnated as Masculine and Feminine forces in the practice of Intimate Communion, partners are free to play the full spectrum of loving, from bucking sweat-dogs to motionless archetypes, radiant with divine love.

Most people have experienced glimpses of truly ecstatic Intimate Communion: moments of loving so expansive that you lose awareness of your bodyand so profound that your heart opens wider than it seems possible.

Simple gazes, single hugs and genital conjunctions can be of such magnitude that the universe is rendered beyond form, if only for a few moments. In the practice of Intimate Communion, we can learn to master sexual polarity so that ecstatic loving is the rule, not the exception.

Intimate Communion, sexually and in daily life, is a sacred art that can be practiced. Suppose you are wearing sexy clothes that complement the shape of your body. If your business colleague looks you up and down and squeezes your ass, it would probably be a case of sexual harassment.

Yet, if your lover did the same thing, you would probably welcome it. When it comes to emotional and sexual expectations, your business colleague and your lover are probably not equal in your eyes. What do you really desire from your intimate partner?

Are you clear about your emotional and sexual expectations? We often expect our partner to be everyone for us: our business colleague, our lover, the parent of our children, even our friendly therapist. It doesn't work. The spark disappears.

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The passion peters out. Little things about our partner begin to really annoy us. Not just the gift of a business colleague, with whom we can share our financial strategies. Not just the gift of a therapist, whom we can visit when we want to talk about our problems.

Not just the gift of a childcare professional, whom we can hire by the day or by the month. But the unique gift that we share only with our intimate partnerthe gift of our uninhibited sexual essence. When we have forgotten this unique gift, our intimacies become flat. What exactly is your sexual essence? Imagine that you live in the future, at a time when intimate partners are built from scratch. You look through a catalog, picking and choosing exactly what you want in an intimate partner.

First you look at the "Anatomy" section. One page in the catalog displays pictures of arms to select. Do you want a partner with hairy arms or smooth arms? Do you want a partner whose arms are stronger than yours or more lithe? Okay, let's go. During this time, you are in your Masculine energy. When you are directed and focused, if someone was to walk up to you and say, "Hi, let's chat," you might say, "Not nowcan't you see I'm busy?

For instance, have you ever tried to interrupt a man while he was watching a football game? Waxing his car? Balancing the checkbook? Reading the newspaper? Anyone in his or her Masculine energy is very focused and doesn't like to be interrupted. For anyone who is in Feminine energy, however, interruption doesn't really exist.

Maybe the phone rings while you're working on a project and watching TV, so you answer it and talk until a friend comes to the door. Then you remember that you put something on the stove before the phone rang so you take care of that, talking to your friend the whole time, continuing to keep an eye on the TV.

When you are in your Feminine energy you can more easily flow from one thing to another. The Feminine is a genius at flow, whereas the Masculine is a genius at getting a single thing done. And they are both useful at different times. You probably know people, both men and women, who seem to have more Masculine energy than Feminine. They are more like New York than Hawaii, always working, always focused on a project, always following a list or a schedule.

And other people are more like Hawaii than New York. They animate more Feminine energy than Masculine. They are flowing, radiant people who often don't stay focused on long-term projects because of their quality of flowing from one thing to another, but they're happy. And then there are some other kinds of people who are in between the extreme of Masculine and Feminine, New York and Hawaii.

These people are relatively more balanced or neutral in their energy. They don't have the emotional hurricanes of Hawaii, nor are they as lush and radiant. They don't have the depersonalized drive of New York, nor are they as focused and organized.

They have some of Hawaii and some of New York, but are not too extreme. Usually you can't see yourself all that clearly, so it's best to ask someone else who knows you, "Which kind am I? You're Hawaii! That's the feeling of sexual polarity. It happens when one person is in Masculine and another person is in Feminine.

It is very important to understand that the flow of sexual polarity does not imply either romantic attraction or love. Sexual polarity can happen in the absence of the sense of "this is the special person I've always been looking for," which signals romantic attraction.

And sexual polarity can flow between two people who don't even know each other and have never spoken a word to each other, much less love each other. It is a natural force that flows between any Masculine and Feminine pole.

If a college professor is putting out strong Masculine energyconfidence, transcendental vision, guidancethen it is not unusual for his women students to develop a "crush" on him.

An arc of sexual polarity naturally occurs between them, as it also does between a therapist who offers steady guidance Masculine to a client who opens herself or himself to the therapist in trust Feminine. Sexual polarity is virtually inevitable in such a case, though it certainly need not be acted upon. Likewise, if a close woman friend offers a man her care and affectionor a businesswoman gives her male colleague her attentive supportthen it is not unusual for him to begin to desire her.

Again, sexual polarity naturally occurs whenever a strong Masculine pole comes close to a strong Feminine pole. Sexual polarity is a magnetic force, a natural force, not necessarily a sign of love.

It is natural. It is not intentional. It is innocent. It is powerful. But it is not love. And it is not romantic attraction. Just because you feel a flow of sexual polarity with your boss does not mean you should get into a relationship with him or her. It doesn't mean anythingother than the fact that you were full of Masculine or Feminine energy and your boss was full of the opposite.

Hence, you felt a flow of sexual polarity; so did your boss. Our culture has lost the wisdom of the laws of sexual polarity, and we tend not to be very conscious of the type of energyeither more Masculine or more Femininethat we are putting out in any given moment. This lack of awareness frequently leads to conflicts with our intimate partners and misunderstandings with our friends and business associates. To consciously work with the flow of sexual polarity in our intimacies and in the workplace, we must become sensitive to the type of energy that we are putting out: Masculine, Neutral or Feminine.

By cultivating this sensitivity we can choose to increase polarity, thereby magnifying passion and sexual attraction in our intimate relationships, or decrease sexual polarity, thereby minimizing the flow of sexual energies with our friends and co-workers. The choice of how to use the powerful force of sexual polarity is in our hands, once we understand the principles of its flow.

We can love our children, our friends and our pets, but that doesn't mean we want to share sexual polarity with them. Although a Masculine pole and a Feminine pole are necessary for full and passionate sexual polarity, such poles are not necessary for the flow of real love. Very frequently, in fact, long-term relationships lose their sexual polarity over time, yet the partners still love each other very much. Some of this decrease in sexual polarity is quite natural.

For many of us, especially as we grow older, sexual polarity becomes less and less important, although we still want love to flow in our relationship. However, some of us have experienced a less desirable situation. We may love our partner, though are no longer sexually attracted to him or her.

Yet, we still want passion and sexual polarity in our lives. There is no real conflict involved. It just feels like the sexual part of our relationship is "over.

This does not mean that we should leave the relationship, but that we should learn what we are doing to cause this decrease in passion and how we can "re-polarize" our relationship. To practice Intimate Communion we must understand how we consciously or unconsciously magnify, neutralize or reverse the flow of sexual polarity with our partner.

Magnification Of Polarity Most often in our culture, the play of sexual polarity occurs between a man and a woman. It is also possible for a Feminine-pole man and a Masculine-pole woman to practice sexual polarity together in Intimate Communion. The most common situation, however, is when the woman is playing the Feminine pole and the man the Masculine pole. As we shall see, if these poles are suddenly shifted or made ambiguous, then attraction between intimate partners decreases and conflict increases.

But first, let's look at how polar attraction can be magnified. Imagine you are a man sitting on the couch with your lover, watching TV. She gets up, fixes your favorite snack and brings it to you, sitting down close to you on the couch.

As she sits her skirt reveals the smooth flesh of her bare thighs. She feeds you from her own fingers, letting her hand trace a line from your lips down to your chest. You look into her eyes and she is completely open to you, loving you. You embrace her, feeling her body yield against you. She gives herself to you.

You desire her in every way, with your whole body and heart. Such is the magnification of polarity. Although this scene may be familiar to many of us, what are the mechanics behind it? Why is polarity magnified in this case? The woman is feeding the man with her personal energy. She is attracting him from the abstract glow of television to the living radiance of her flesh.

She relaxes his head, energizes his body and awakens his heart, just like the tropical beaches of Hawaii. She is drawing him into herself, into the garden of life, by opening, attracting him in by love. She is radiating Feminine energy, and thus she is magnetizing his Masculine energy in the full arc of sexual polarity.

You have worked all day and you are tired. When you returned home from work, your lover kissed you on the cheek and went back to reading his book. While he continued reading, you made a quick dinner for yourself, showered and got into bed. Finally he finished reading and got into bed, setting his alarm clock and arranging his night stand as he does every night.

You think he probably now wants sex with you.

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You could have sex if he really wants to, but you aren't feeling too excited yourself. Such is the neutralization of polarity. Let's look closely at this case of neutralization.

The woman comes home from work and gets a cursory kiss on the cheek. Where is the Masculine force? He is neither opening her with love nor penetrating her with desirehis Masculine presence is completely absent. Or, rather, it is absent from playing in polarity with her and is instead absorbed in a book. She continues doing what she needs to do, making dinner for herself and then taking a shower. Because she is tired, she doesn't have the energy to rev up her own Feminine force.

Neither of them is active as the Feminine or Masculine pole, and thus sexual polarity is neutralized. Reversal Of Polarity You are a man with an exciting plan about how to make money. You are telling your wife about it and she interrupts you to tell you how silly you are. She gives you several reasons why she thinks your plan is foolish and won't work.

Then, she continues to do her work around the house as she proceeds to tell you about her own strategy for making money. She continues to busy herself around the house. Then she asks, "Have you made up your mind yet? We have to leave soon, you know.

Intimate Communion

Well, what are we going to do? You have no desire to do anything tonight, especially with your wife. She tells you her shoulders ache and she wants you to rub them. You don't even want to touch her. Such is the reversal of polarization. What is happening here? The man is telling his wife his idea for making money. He is trying to share his direction, guidance and transcendental vision, playing the Masculine pole of universal energy, like the energy of New York.

Suddenly, his wife interrupts him. She ceases being open to his vision, saying that he is wrong, his directionality is lousy and she could do it better. Perhaps this is true. But at the level of polar energy, this is equivalent to telling her husband that he's a lousy lover and that she would make a better man.

Polarity is immediately neutralized. But she doesn't stop there. She continues with her purposes around the house. She tells him her vision of how things should be done. That is, she animates the Masculine force of guidance, purpose and transcendental vision. She has reversed her polar energy from Feminine to Masculine.

This would be fine if her husband was in his more Feminine energy, open to receiving her advice. But he, too, is in the midst of a Masculine moment, in the midst of telling her about his great idea.

Just like similar poles of two magnets repelling one another, her sudden reversal of sexual polarity causes a repulsion and distancing between her own Masculine energy and that of her man. For simplicity's sake, let's anthropomorphize these universal qualities and call the Masculine force in men and women ''He,'' and the Feminine force in men and women "She.

Also, He sees things from a transcendental position. That is, like a concrete skyscraper, He likes to stand above things, outside of His emotions: in thoughts, in knowledge or perhaps in so-called "mystical purity. For instance, an open-ended relationship is one thing, but marriage is quite another. For anyone with a lot of Masculine energy, marriage seems like a potential trap, a constraint, a loss of freedom. A commitment to marriage is a decision to leave the transcendental realm of endless possibility and to enter the earthbound realm of endless responsibility.

For the Feminine, marriage is not a constraint, but a liberation of loving. The Feminine force, in man or woman, is about opening to love and giving love. The Feminine force is the goddess-force of energy that is sometimes wild and unpredictable and sometimes nurturing and life-giving, like Hawaii.

Unlike the Masculine, the Feminine is at home in life, in sensuality, in the natural elements. Anyone with a lot of Feminine energy abhors a vacuum, filling empty shelves with seashells, flowers or other objects of beauty. The Feminine is a radiant ocean of sudden storms and rejuvenative healing, a garden of bountiful love and wild energy. The Feminine's radiance and beauty attract the Masculine into the garden of life and Her heart tempers His relentless search.

The Feminine force embraces the Masculine's arid directionality and couples it with feeling, sensitivity and the inherent wisdom of the body. Without the Feminine force, the Masculine force is mere directionality, mere purpose, mere goal orientation without feeling. In the negative extreme it is exploitation for profit, rape and fascism. On the other hand, without the directionality of the Masculine force, the movement of the Feminine force alone is one of opening or closing.

For instance, consider a person with a lot of Feminine energy and very little Masculine energy. Eating chocolates, this person may feel either open and happy or closed and miserable about it, but often has difficulty choosing a different direction, like moving away from chocolate for good.

More seriously, if the Feminine couples with an abusive partner, she often has difficulty directing Herself out and away, but instead opens and suffers, closes down and then opens again.

Without being balanced by the Masculine force of guidance and directionality, the extreme Feminine force cycles through good times and bad, hoping it will work out, alternately loving and suffering, being hurt and then giving it one more chance. Another way of looking at the Masculine and Feminine forces in men and women is to look at sexuality itself. For a man, sexual union happens outside of his body, whereas for a woman, sexual union occurs inside of her. During sexual loving a man's sexual flesh becomes rigid, directed, pointed and seeks release.

The Masculine force is a directional force and it is one-pointed, as is a man's polarized sexual flesh. In a larger sense, it is the force of discipline one-pointedness and guidance directionality and tends to move in a transcendental upward direction. Just as a man's sexual flesh reveals his one-pointed directionality and his up-up-andaway orientation, a woman's sexual flesh reveals her desire to draw a good man in, open herself in union with him and be filled with unending love.

The Feminine opens in love and closes when hurt. The Masculine moves into relationship in love and pulls out of relationship when hurt. Both the Masculine and the Feminine forces exist to some extent in every man and woman, although some people animate more Masculine energy like New York, some animate more Feminine energy like Hawaii, and some are more Neutral or balanced in their expression.

As a general characterization, then, the Masculine pole in each of us points upward, away from the body and life. The Masculine force is a force of conscious directionality and intent, which sometimes gets stuck in the head. The Feminine pole in each of us is at home in the body and in life. The Feminine force is a force of radiance and opening, which sometimes gets stuck in the emotions.

Masculine And Feminine Partners Balancing Each Other When a more Masculine person comes together in love with a more Feminine person, they can enjoy the enlivening force of passionate sexual polarity that naturally flows between them. For those more sexually inclined, however, there is an option. In Intimate Communion, partners can serve to naturally balance and heal each other through the dynamic force of sexual polarity that flows between their native Masculine and Feminine poles.

For instance, when a Masculine man is polarized by a Feminine woman, he is attracted out of his head, out of his fantasy realm of possibilities, and is moved to engage a living actuality: her. He begins to act from his feelings rather than live in his thoughts. Love draws him into the body, his and hers.

The Feminine force attracts the Masculine into the dance of life, of love, of intimate partnership. Therefore, if his woman becomes like New York, bossy or sharp, or withdraws her Feminine energy in any way, a man suddenly feels trappedhe has left his realm of possibility and has committed to an actual relationship, something that limits his possibilities.

If his partner's Feminine force of attraction becomes non-active, if he does not feel enlivened by her Hawaii-like energy, then he feels the relationship as a constraint. The relationship seems like a weight of obligations rather than a source of energy and delight. His Masculine force is no longer magnetically polarized by the Feminine force, and he naturally begins to move up, up and away, back into his tower of possibility, where he hopes to avoid unnecessary constraints and maybe eventually find another source of Feminine energy.

The essential form of the Masculine bad mood is feeling tired, burdened, constrained by obligations. For instance, no amount of talking with his woman will relieve a man of his sense of being duty-bound and trapped. She can enliven his burdened heart as only his cherished source of Feminine energy can do.

What happens to the Feminine partnera woman, for instancewhen her man loses his Masculine presence and becomes weak and ambiguous in his loving?

She feels empty and she yearns to be filled. Where she once felt the Masculine presence of love, she now feels a void. When a man or anyone in a Masculine moment is in a bad mood, he wants to understand why. He tries to figure it all out.

So when his woman is in a bad mood, he tries to do for her what he tries to do for himselffigure it out. He tries to use his head to solve her emotional problems. However, a man's mental analysis is useless and frustrating to a woman or anyone in a Feminine moment who is in a bad mood. The Feminine's bad mood is only Her desire for perfect lovewhy shouldn't the Masculine just give His love most directly?

The Feminine receives love most directly in Her native language, which is not a language of analysis but of body and emotion. It is a language of touch, of presence, of feeling. A Feminine woman's mood is not subject to mental analysis, but she is opened into the present moment by a man's encompassing embrace, his caring humor and his strong, loving Masculine presence.

In the practice of Intimate Communion, we learn to transmit love through the force of sexual polarity. Are we more like New York or are we more like Hawaii? Do we have a balance? Or, are we confused and divided inside? Unifying Internal Divisions If you are comfortable with your natural sexual energyMasculine, Feminine or Neutralthen the flush of sexual polarity is enlivening.

If you are at home in your body and mind, as man or woman, then you are at ease with the feeling of sexual desire. Furthermore, your body is unified with your mind as one giftwith your heart at its centerand you know, spontaneously, how to love without hesitation. You are not internally divided or confused. However, if you are internally divided, your body and mind are not one with your heart: You want to attract a mate, but you find it difficult to let down your guard. You want to relax during sex, but you feel so self-conscious.

Your husband tells you he loves you, but you just don't feel it. Your best friend's girlfriend is obviously taken, but she seems so available. Your heart is always ambiguous and divided. As a necessary preliminary to cultivating sexual polarity in Intimate Communion, we learn to allow ourselves to be whole and undivided. With love, we embrace our darkest and lightest thoughts. With love, we embrace our most savage and holy desires. By healing our internal divisions and fully accepting ourselves as we are, we learn to accept and empower our sexual core, and we learn to honor our unique expression of Masculine and Feminine gifts.

We fully incarnate in our bodies, at home and at ease in a man's body or a woman's body. And we learn to love with complete abandon, as free men and women, without rules or roles or guarded hearts.

We freely enchant one another, love one another, with no inhibitions. At other times our passion growls and claws like a wild tiger. There are long hours of silence together, simply touching, loving, breathing.

There are sudden moments of inspired desire, in the kitchen, in the car, in the showerour juices flow, our hearts pound and we gasp with pleasure. There may be days, months or years of happy celibacy, since sexuality is only one form of human loving. Fully incarnated as Masculine and Feminine forces in the practice of Intimate Communion, partners are free to play the full spectrum of loving, from bucking sweat-dogs to motionless archetypes, radiant with divine love.

Most people have experienced glimpses of truly ecstatic Intimate Communion: moments of loving so expansive that you lose awareness of your bodyand so profound that your heart opens wider than it seems possible.

Simple gazes, single hugs and genital conjunctions can be of such magnitude that the universe is rendered beyond form, if only for a few moments. In the practice of Intimate Communion, we can learn to master sexual polarity so that ecstatic loving is the rule, not the exception. Intimate Communion, sexually and in daily life, is a sacred art that can be practiced.

Suppose you are wearing sexy clothes that complement the shape of your body. If your business colleague looks you up and down and squeezes your ass, it would probably be a case of sexual harassment. Yet, if your lover did the same thing, you would probably welcome it. When it comes to emotional and sexual expectations, your business colleague and your lover are probably not equal in your eyes.

What do you really desire from your intimate partner? Are you clear about your emotional and sexual expectations? We often expect our partner to be everyone for us: our business colleague, our lover, the parent of our children, even our friendly therapist.

It doesn't work. The spark disappears. The passion peters out. Little things about our partner begin to really annoy us. Not just the gift of a business colleague, with whom we can share our financial strategies. Not just the gift of a therapist, whom we can visit when we want to talk about our problems.

Not just the gift of a childcare professional, whom we can hire by the day or by the month. But the unique gift that we share only with our intimate partnerthe gift of our uninhibited sexual essence. When we have forgotten this unique gift, our intimacies become flat.

What exactly is your sexual essence? Imagine that you live in the future, at a time when intimate partners are built from scratch. You look through a catalog, picking and choosing exactly what you want in an intimate partner. First you look at the "Anatomy" section. One page in the catalog displays pictures of arms to select. Do you want a partner with hairy arms or smooth arms?

Do you want a partner whose arms are stronger than yours or more lithe? You make a selection and continue flipping through the catalog, looking at pictures of eyes, legs, mouths, genitals and torsos. There are even scratch-and-sniff pages. You take your pick, creating the intimate partner of your choice.

Then you turn to the "Emotional Character" section of the catalog. On each page is a whole spectrum of emotional qualities, ranging from joyous to angry, silly to serious, expressive to reserved. For instance, one page is dedicated to "Control-Yielding Spectrum.

Do you want a partner who likes to make the decisions half the time, leaving you to make the decisions the other half of the time? Or would you prefer one who lets you make most of the decisions? Perhaps you would like a partner who is very dominant in bed, but less so when it comes to daily decisions. You can create the exact partner you want, so why not get specific?

Each page offers a full range of sexual essences, described as "expressions of the heart": the way your intimate partner will express his or her love, affection and desire for union. Just as your partner's potential arms were displayed in a spectrum of hairy to smooth or massive to frail, the sexual essences are also arranged in a spectrum.

The range of sexual essences spans the spectrum from the extreme Masculine at one end, to the more balanced or Neutral types in the middle, to the extreme Feminine at the other end. By choosing a sexual essence, you are choosing the texture of your partner's love. For example, what do you want to feel when your partner embraces you?

You can choose from selections like "Visionary Hero," "Gallant Prince" or "Big and Dangerous,'' which are different types located toward the extreme Masculine end of the spectrum. Or you might choose your partner's sexual essence from the "Good Friend" part of the spectrum, somewhere near the middle.

This type of partner has a more balanced or Neutral type of sexual essence, which allows him or her to be able to listen to you and really understand your thoughts and feelings. An extremely Masculine or Feminine partner, on the other hand, may lead all discussions toward deadly serious debate, flowing emotional roundabouts or delicious sexual embrace. Since the extreme Masculine and the extreme Feminine speak such different languages, they often find it more communicative to passionately embrace each other or turn away in silence, rather than to speak in rational words, which often seem to get in the way of what they really want to "say.

And likewise, your own sexual essence is, itself, more Feminine, Masculine or Neutral. It doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man; your sexual essence may still be Masculine, Feminine or Neutral. How can you figure out what your sexual essence is right now? Sexual Essence Quiz This is a simple quiz to help give you a feeling for your sexual essence. Try to answer each question as honestly as possible. As you are answering each question, imagine that you are in bed with a sensitive and sexy intimate partner whom you trust completely.

Following the quiz is a key to help you determine your sexual essence from the answers you have chosen. I would more often prefer that my sexual partner was A. Although I may like variety in the bedroom, I would prefer this situation more often: A.

I surrender to my partner, who sexually ravishes me in love B. I sexually ravish my partner, who surrenders to me C. It would hurt me most if my partner were to say to me: A. I am more often turned on when A. I give up control and let my partner be in charge sexually B. If I had to choose from one alternative, I would rather A. When my partner does something that really hurts me, I most often A. Which sentence most accurately describes the majority of the intimate partners you have had in your life?

My partners have tended to get upset when I gave them directions while they were driving. My partners have tended to change their minds about our plans, based on the emotion of the moment. My partners have tended to be like good friends, with great communication and very little misunderstanding between us.

Which statement is most true? My partners often seem to assume they are right about everything. My partners seem to like to tell me that I think I'm right about everything and that I am inflexible. My partners and I have rarely had a discussion about who is right, because it has rarely been an issue. I find that my partners have been the kind of people who A. If you answered mostly B's, your sexual essence is more Masculine.

If you answered mostly C's, your sexual essence is more Neutral. Don't be confused if your answers were not clear cut. As we will see later, most of us have layers of false Masculine and Feminine energy surrounding our true sexual essence. A Survey It doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man. Your sexual essence could still be more Masculine, more Feminine or more Neutral. It may be covered over by layers of mistrust, fear or denial. You may have developed your "opposite" energy for positive reasons, too.

You may have developed your Masculine energy in order to succeed at a career, even though deep down you have a more Feminine sexual essence. Or, you may have developed your Feminine energy in order to deepen your intuition or healing ability, though deep down you have a more Masculine sexual essence.

You may feel that you are somewhere toward the middle of the spectrum, a more balanced or Neutral person. If this were true, then you would prefer a more Neutral intimate partner, since you are always attracted to your opposite. However, the vast majority of people are not Neutral, but strongly prefer a partner who gives them a particularly Masculine or Feminine gift of love. In fact, in surveys I have given throughout the United States, the qualities that most men want in their women are quite different from the qualities most women want in their men.

No wonder the attempts of women and men to meet halfway in their relationships often lead to such tepid results. Most women and men don't want a sexually "halfway" partner. They want an enlivening Feminine or Masculine gift.

In workshops I have led across the United States, from Hawaii to New York, I separate the participants, putting all the men in one room and all the women in another.

Then I ask each group, "List the six most important qualities you want in an ideal intimate partner. For instance, a woman may want her intimate partner to be loving, but she also wants her friends, her children and her cat to be loving, so "loving" is not included on this list. Finally, and this is critical, the whole group must agree on the same qualities. Any qualities that only a few people want are not included. All the women must come to a unanimously determined list in their room, and all the men must do the same in their room.

After asking hundreds of educated and successful women and men to make these lists at workshops across the United States, I have found that the results are amazingly consistent from city to city. What emerges are lists of qualities that describe the ideal man or woman, the intimate partner of our fantasies.

These lists of qualities have very little overlap. Women and men want distinctly different qualities in their intimate partners. This is to be expected. After all, most but not all of us have a preference: we want to be sexually intimate with a person who is more Masculine or more Feminine. What exactly were the qualities that people most wanted in their intimate partners? Virtually every woman agreed that foremost among the qualities they wanted in their man were: 1.

Presence 2. Intelligence 3. Strength 4. Passion 5. Direction 6. Humor Did the men want the same qualities in their women? In fact, in two different cities, the men made lists that began like this: 1.

Great in bed 3. Great in bed After I reminded them that they had to choose six different qualities, they laughed and rewrote their list. The qualities that men across the country wanted most in their women were: 1. Beauty 2. Sexual openness 3. Trust of their man's direction 4. Support for their man's vision 5.

Intelligence 6. Healthy radiance Notice that except for "intelligence," the idealized qualities for men and women are entirely different. The mutual desire for "intelligence" may result in part from the background of the workshop participants; most were highly educated. For instance, these women wanted their ''ideal man'' to have a strong sense of direction.